is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear, easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear…
…are am I left to wonder, all alone eternally? this isn't how it's really meant to be~
well they say that love is in the air, never was it clear-- how do you pull it close and make it stay? buterflies are free to fly, but when fishes fly away, I am left to carry on and wonder why-- even through it all, I was always on your side.
Reading things that I've written feels like visiting a fond breezy afternoon spot I used to sped time around on, my thoughts and memories gather like a flock of doves, flying like sorrowful birds in an afternoon migration journey. Why do we weep when a bird bleeds, but do not when a fish dies.
The answers to the questions will be revealed, on my next novel. But for now, let me shed some man-tears to the tune of over the nostalgic scent of coffee in my attempt to gather what remains of my conciousness immortalized by an external journal.
Goodbye. This is the End Game.
you have a sweet sinful smile, asshole.
What have I been up to? No good obviously--ass usual.
I just wanna recap this past year to you folks and give you a blow by blow (I just love the word and everything that goes with it, twice) of the general situation.
January 2011 -- year started a bit crappy, a bunch of emo shit that I still haven't gotten over with--some of them lingers until this very day but I guess it's the scars of our past that makes us the human we are today. Everybody loves a man who can laugh at himself, har har, yeah right.
On the Flipsite, the last quarter of 2010 sparked my ESPORTS career, yeah I know I'm not going beyond Platinum League don't rub it in my face but It's about a month after I purchased she bought StarCraft 2 and it's not much of a "Cyberathlete" career but rather as a person in the 'industry' or whatever you want to call it. Hell, I know I'm witty enough to make some people laugh--at themselves--me included.
February 2011 -- ah yes, I met an "Angel" --ahh… that's the last part of January, she broke my heart 2 weeks later though, couldn't blame her, I tried being honest and cute at the same time, it's like that's the time I validated to myself that I'm not as unsociable as I was made to feel. That's a little harsh for a description but that will do, no other word describes the way I felt anyway--otherwise I'll describe it, right? Right? Absolutely!
That's the month I bought a Razer Mamba too. It's a second hand and I got it for 4000php, that's kinda 2000php less than the list price but it's really awesome. I got rid of it eventually and reverted back to my Deathadder but what gives, I loved the Razer Mamba!
March 2011 -- like an ex wife who storms out of your house taking everything important to you including the car, the days breezed like summer wind smelling like after-sex in a back seat of an automatic compact sedan. Too much drama like seriously… I even forget what caused it.
April 2011 -- I made friends, the first event I went to is an actual e-sports event. I made friends with people who will eventually shape what Philippine e-sports is all about and I can say that I made the right friends for better or worse.
I dont know what happened in May, June, July, all I know is if it wasn't related to my daughter, it wasn't fun.
August 2011 -- a turning point of my life. Not only that I spent about a ridiculous amount of money just to realized that I'm wasting it still, something significant positioned _herself_ for uprooting. Yeah she left, see that hole in my chest? That's where she used to be, now it's a god damn ice box--with beer cans and chilled Mary Jane preserved vacuum tight in a zip lock waiting for the next great dip. These rock star metaphors have been working it's way to my subconscious again god dammit! I'm just so soaked up.
September 2011 -- I blogged. I met a woman named Sophia via Twitter, she's really passionate about teaching to an extent which you could feel her emotions scalding to the hearts of her students, specially those who doesn't understand CHED procedures, policies and practices. She writes too so it inspired me to write something significant. She's the kind of woman that I probably won't run out of things to talk about with--in Cebuano.
I also travelled, I stayed in hotels, I borrowed cars, went to road trips, drove for thousands of miles and just placed myself "out there". The end game? I realized that I'm a LOT MORE than what I thought I was without being full of myself. Literary freedom. I get to say whatever the fuck I want too!
September also resurrected my CASH-FLOW. That's right, I was spending money like it means nothing to me. In fact, I even bought a Razer Blackwidow Ultimate to commemorate the financial security, complete with accessories I might add.
October 2011 -- Phone breakup. Nuff said, but in her defense… wtf? I'm still defending?
It breezed through though, I didin't even feel that October was sad, Octoberfist, PGF, PPSL, shit, October was fucking loaded vaccum sealed like a pornstar in a triple penetration flick. There's just no room for sulking except the time I'll be laying in bed staring at my ceiling, but even then I'll be drunk or baked.
November 2011 -- Events, money and baking. I dont remember what happened, I was too tired, too baked or too hyped. I dont even remember how the month passed by all I know is December is coming and I was ready for anything. They say that people who have nothing to lose can do anything, I guess that time all I have to lose is my money so I did went out to get everything. I didn't even realize that I already completed the construction of my home based command center, my entertainment center, my home arcade and my wardrobe all in the span of two months. That's pretty badass if you ask me.
December 2011 -- Filing a 2 week leave WITHOUT PAY. I dont even feel phased by not getting paid the year after so I just did it anyway, I guess there's no other way of doing things than "just doing it". Thanks Nike, you got enough taglines to last a guy for a year without sounding like an advertisement if used sparingly. I admire your marketing team. You should hire me.
That's 2011, pretty much the documented ones. Of course, the messy gory details will remain undocumented like some places where the sun-dont-shine remained uncharted but what the heck, it stopped mattering, and I dont think it will ever matter. What I still don't understand is if I'm still pissed over something that's no longer significant or I'm still bitter over something that I can't do squat about. Yeah I've done that episode already but until when? Maybe I'll tire myself out, but I'll consistently remind myself to think the way they do, give them nothing and take from them, everything.
This is Sparta.
I woke up in the morning around 10am. Played with my brother and had some more sales in my little game store.
Had an early lunch, I finally finished my Durian which is really smelling in the fridge, I love the smell, my neighbors hate it, fuck my neighbors.
A little halfway in the noon, I went to LTO and got another pair of shiny student permit, I should really fix this license, I’ve been renewing this for 3 years.
After that, went to the atrium, queued for an hour in DTI just for them to tell me that my ID is invalid. Yes, my LTO issued permit is NOT valid. Fuck those mother fuckers right? Add to that, my passport is expired. I need a TIN id, I have a tin number for the past 6 years so it wont be a problem.
I queued for 30 minutes in the fifth floor, my god damn number is registered in a different city, I have to go to BIR PASIG to get my TIN ID. Great news right?
After that, I took a walk in the park.
It was damn hot.
I went to BPI, I withered money to open a passbook account, yeah, everything is set, except for my billing statement which states its delivered in the office, IT IS DELIVEIRED IN THE OFFICE MOTHER FUCKERS. So they’re going to address it where my billing statement is. Brilliant bunch of faggots. I know.
Out of 5 goals, I accomplished 1.
I wasted 3 hours of my life.
And I wasted 5 more minutes by ranting about it here.
I haven’t written in ages not because I’m lacking dedication or I’m lazy, I’m actually busy with things that’s making me money. I want to believe that I’ve been blessed with it even if it’s not a lot, although I have to say, it is indeed substantial (snicker). When god closes a door, he opens up the bank. I came up that the moment I realized I have to stop living like yesterday’s newspaper in the dumpster and I should live by that shit, it’s one of the things that I’m proud about myself, I think I’m resourceful enough to survive even at the most dire moments in my life—and drag people to survival if needed be. There, I’m also a Good Samaritan, who’s counting anyway.
I feel a little bad that I was subconsciously lying to myself when I told myself that I’m going to give up writing. It’s just nature, no matter how much I try to turn my back on it, writing always finds its way back to my system. Now I’m starting again, this isn’t a resolution for the coming year but rather something I came up with while I’m actually “not loaded”.
I have to set a lot of things in order and I think I’ll be having a good deal of time writing again. It’s always something that reminds me of myself. I know I’ve changed this past decade but writing is something that never felt any different. Making obnoxious keyboard noise in 2 am in the morning mourning that I can’t play the Playstation which was supposed to distract me and keep me occupied while I ‘move on’ with shit and so on and things among other things over a lot of different things.
The funny part is I just refuse to keep myself down, even if I know I should. I just spring back on and on until I find myself at it again, I’m not in denial, I’m actually admitting to it. Ever been trapped in that ‘what if’ somebody knocks on your door, the last person you expect and then fuck up things again the exact way you want it. The only correct answer to that question is “I don’t know”. Anything definite is definitely a lie. Then again, don’t we all enjoy being ‘wrong’ about something?
I can’t stand the radio silence. I want my playlist.
"if a guy keeps getting turned down sexually, eventually the passion will die. Guys want sex a minimum of couple of times a week, and ideally, they want a woman who just doesn't have to be asked."
-Why Men Love Bitches
wow,
mother fucking two years. I knew I was the thunder god, I just didn't know that I was a fucking saint.
beatification anyone?
#rageson
Nothing relates to the way I feel than what Dustin wrote here.
For months, I have been paralyzed. When I sit down to write, nothing comes out. When I start to design, I stare at a blank canvas. My ability to create things does not meet my own ridiculously high standards of quality, so I get stuck in an endless loop of making decent things, throwing them away, and then starting over from scratch. I've been floating around in despair, a creativity limbo, which has nearly destroyed me. I stopped working. I became depressed. In a last ditch effort to restart my brain, I left; I bought a one-way plane ticket to Bangkok with the hope that culture shock would inspire me to make great stuff once again.
That was three months ago, and while I now feel more inspired and energized than ever, the paralytic gap between my actual ability to create and my sense of what is "good enough" remains. I cannot make things good enough for myself. The problem is festering in my thoughts, and I doubt myself at every turn.
The truth is that perfection is impossible and "Good enough" is good enough. To move forward, I need to lower the insanely high standards I have for my own work. But as a designer, this task is insurmountably difficult. It feels like defeat becuase it's a tacit admission that I am not good enough to create things that meet the same level of quality that I demand from others when I evaluate creative work. My "taste" exceeds my own ability.
It's interesting that the source of my internal battle lies buried in something as innocuous as "taste". For most people, taste is just the basis of opinion. It describes the point at which something flips from being "not good enough" to "ok, decent". But for creative people, it's something different. Taste is everything. It is what drives us. It is the definition of success, the ceiling of what is possible, and the source of everlasting internal frustration. Being creative is a battle fought over the slow conversion of a mere idea into something tangible that you think is great. The question is: When do you stop the conversion process?
I don't know. •
Something brings me back to you, it never takes too long.
I guess I’ve spent too much time chasing a dream that doesn’t exist. I lost sight and focus on something that had the viewfinder on me for the longest while.
Truth be told, I miss you.
I miss the way you read me from what I write, regardless how poorly written it is.
I miss getting schooled for it.
I miss the dim lit walkway porch and everything that happens between the doorway and your apartment.
I miss your apartment, and the chilly raining mornings I’ve spent sleeping waking up to the view that I miss too.
I miss the silly things, the passive things, and the stupid arguments that end evaporates with the dim lit pin light.
I miss your awkward smile.
I miss the grocery time, you always seem to know that I love fruit juices.
I miss cooking for you. You never knew I was good until you had a taste.
I feel like I drowned from too much and now that I’m out of it, I forgot that I was swimming and living because of it in the first place.
Seryoso, sa huli talaga ang pag sisisi, so I’m writing this dahil nag sisisi ako. Pero kung makikita mo ko ngayon, nanaisin mo pa ba na magsisi ako?
I know I’ve mistreated you, in many occasions in every possible way shape and form but know this, I regret it.
I can’t let go of things that haven’t let go of me yet, and I know you haven’t, so why make it hard for the both of us? I guess you’ll never know. I guess you’ve stopped caring. I guess you’ve decided to cease altogether.
Now, what do I want to do before I quit my writing career.
Well, I guess I have an organically induced sense of honesty right now. Not bad, going down in "flames" in the "burning bush".
